What to expect — when you’re a dad

There’s no denying the impact of the legendary book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Author Heidi Murkoff didn’t just write a book in 1984, she created a brand whattoexpect3.jpgthat has spawned a series of books, an online companion site, a feature film starring Cameron Diaz, and a foundation that has benefited over a half million parents.

Simply put, when Murkoff speaks, people listen. And they should. Her easily accessible WhatToExpect.com is a treasure trove of exhaustive pregnancy subject matter. The site is still greatly in need of a “For Dad” section, and while we’ve already addressed that once, we’ll get back to that in a moment.

Today, let’s look at its latest email newsletter, which tackles an amazingly thoughtful question from one of its readers and is also kindheartedly addressed by its founder Murkoff.

While it’s easy to appreciate this column’s intent, dads may find a real problem with parts of it.

whattoexpect4.pngIts headline sounds like dad is some sort of project that needs to be developed, and can only be done so by a woman. As the reader’s question poses, yes, dad needs cared for – which is part of the definition of nurture – but he doesn’t need to be grown or developed (another part of the definition of nurture). If mom was given space to figure out things on her own, so can dad. That learning can also come together, but there’s no need to insinuate that a dad needs training that only the “lead parent” (e.g., mom) can provide.

To draw a comparison, let’s say a husband posed a similar question about his wife. Would anyone ever attempt to write a comparable headline, “Nurturing the Mother-to-Be”? No, because moms would likely be terribly offended. Most assume – because females give birth – that mothering is instinctual, and fathering must be learned. The truth is, mothers bear no more instinctual ability to parent than fathers.

whattoexpect5Now looking at Murkoff’s response, the opening line also shows a lack of respect for men. No, men don’t care only about sex, and it also suggests that men aren’t as dedicated to conceiving as women. Saying anything otherwise is demeaning to the many caring dads-to-be who are just as interested in having a baby as the mom-to-be.

That first sentence is a rather insensitive opening for a question that has a lot of heart. Remember, the wife’s question says that her husband is feeling “a little neglected,” and she wants to “let him know he’s special too.” That man sounds rather sensitive to us, not anything like the ones portrayed in a beer commercial near you. The bottom line is, it’s sexist to assume that the majority of men only care about the sex part, not the baby part.

That gender bias wouldn’t be so bad had it not been punctuated in the third paragraph, where Murkoff suggests a sports day for the husband. That’s a fine suggestion which most dads would probably enjoy, but not all dads do. It’s a little like how dads are portrayed on Father’s Day cards, almost always with neckties, suits and tools. Again, we’re not against the sports suggestion itself (it’s a great one!), but coupled with the men-only-care-about-sex anthem earlier, dads are feeling a bit profiled by the end.

What to Expect seems to have all the bases covered when it comes to pregnancy, but it might consider another book in its series which comes from a dad’s perspective. Alas, no pregnancy guide is complete without considering dad, because there’s a lot more to pregnancy than just the woman’s body and mind. That baby in there, it’s theirs equally.

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What to expect when you’re expecting to be treated like a parent

whattoexpect1If WhatToExpect.com truly offers information, as it says, on “pregnancy and parenting,” then why is it singling out one gender and hosting the annual “Moms Love-It” Awards?

It’s confusing how things ended up this way.

Originally, Heidi Murkoff conceived the idea for the famed book, What to Expect® When You’re Expecting, during her first pregnancy as noted on its website: “Determined to write a guide that would help other expectant parent (sic) sleep better at night, Heidi delivered the proposal for What to Expect® When You’re Expecting just hours before delivering her daughter, Emma.”

It’s admirable that the site uses the term “parent” when speaking about Murkoff’s original ambition. Murkoff seems like a fantastic, dynamic, successful woman on a mission to improve lives.

However, somewhere along the way, parent was replaced with mom, leaving dad as the one parent who apparently isn’t on equal footing. It’s a bias we’ve seen elsewhere and remains as unfortunate mistreatment.

Check out the “About What to Expect” page, where Murkoff’s commitment has wavered from its initial care for parents, to now only moms: “Heidi’s passionate commitment to moms and babies…”

And now with the relatively new “Moms Love-It” Awards (launched 2013), it makes expecting fathers feel like they simply don’t matter, underscored by the various award-winning companies from whom expectant dads everywhere will be purchasing their baby needs. Yes, indeed, dads shop too.

whattoexpect2What’s more, this is again yet another example of a website offering a “For Mom” section, with dad information buried elsewhere. Even the “Military Mom” section offers a one-sided look that ignores fathers. Why not offer a “For Dad” section with equal prominence instead of burying it under “More”? How about a “Military Dad” section?

If marketers so often like to falsely earmark dad as the parent who isn’t as smart when it comes to babies or who isn’t as involved, wouldn’t those fallacies be all the more impetus to offer solid information to fathers?

Everyone wants to be treated with respect and dignity, but how can dads find it here? Of course, dads aren’t actually carrying the baby, but that doesn’t mean they’re less important, or don’t matter to the pregnancy – they’re totally, equally important to the child. And the “Moms Love-It” Awards are only two years old. How about renaming them the “Parents Love-It” Awards before another company beats them to it?

Dads have a lot of options when it comes to parenting information, and those companies who choose to actively engage with them will be the true award winners.