Once again in the ad world, we find that dads don’t exist.

This time the guilty party is Dreft, who believes that dads don’t fit the gentle, soft, sweet nature of their detergent. Dreft no doubt figured it was much easier to leave dads out of this October 2014 Parents magazine ad, because the ad copy is so gentle, soft and sweet that we figure there’s no way a dad and his rough, tough demeanor could have been a part of writing it.

In fact, had a dad penned it, this is how the ad might have ended up:

EVERY DAY IS AMAZING, isn’t it dads? You’ll never forget the first time you caressed that impossibly shiny beer bottle’s glass, stroked that smooth new golf club you bought, and breathed in the sweet smell of buffalo wings delivered to your man cave by your doting wife. From the very first moment, the tiny feet on your smart phone holder left a giant footprint on your heart…and you swore you’d protect everything that made you a guy forever.

That’s why, for 80 years, dads haven’t taken care of their kids, but rather have done what they wanted to, when they wanted to, keeping the same schedule and lifestyle as when they were single – it’s a formula that’s tough on the family, but gentle enough for your buddies. Hyper-active while at the sports bar with an outdoorsy-smelling scent, dads bring cuddle time rarely at home, because they really don’t do any level of warm and fuzzy.