A community potluck had brought together neighbors, friends, and families for a shared meal. Among the crowd was a father named Sam – a friendly, mild-mannered man who worked as a software engineer by day and devoted himself to his two young children at night. Sam loved his family deeply and took pride in being a present and engaged dad.

At the potluck, Sam overheard a group of parents chatting by the dessert table.

“Ugh, my husband forgot to pack the kids’ lunches again,” one woman groaned.

“Typical,” another chimed in, rolling her eyes. “It’s like they need a checklist for everything.”

“Right? My partner has no idea what I do behind the scenes. The mental load is 100% on me.”

Sam felt a twinge of discomfort as their laughter carried across the room. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand their frustration – he did. But the conversation painted an unfair, familiar picture of dads as disengaged, forgetful, and oblivious to the invisible work of managing a household.

The story of Sam highlights a crucial, often-overlooked reality in conversations about domestic labor: the way we talk about fathers and their contributions can perpetuate harmful stereotypes, hindering progress rather than fostering it.

In recent years, the concept of the mental load has gained widespread attention – and rightly so. It’s the invisible, perpetual task of planning, organizing, and anticipating the needs of a household, typically falling disproportionately on one gender. However, the accompanying narrative has too often cast fathers as lazy, clueless, or unwilling to step up, creating a blanket indictment that does more harm than good.

Efforts going unnoticed

Sam’s story underscores a common experience for many fathers: doing meaningful work for their families yet feeling invisible in the broader narrative. When their contributions are dismissed or ridiculed (keep in mind how many fathers work eight hours a day to provide for their families) it creates resentment and discouragement rather than motivating collaboration.

Societal expectations around parenting have shifted dramatically in the past few decades. Fathers are increasingly expected to be hands-on caregivers and equal partners in managing a household. And this is difficult when working outside the home to provide for a family. Yet, they still step up.

Double standards

Imagine the outrage if fathers were to collectively stereotype mothers as perpetually overbearing or dismissive of their efforts. The truth is that parenting and household management are deeply personal and unique to each family. Broad generalizations about either parent diminish the individuality of their contributions and the nuances of their challenges.

Moreover, women have rightly advocated for decades that they shouldn’t have to “do it all.” Yet, some of these same discussions frame men as inadequate for not carrying the load from the start. Marketers perpetuate the problem in ads. It’s an impossible standard that ignores the reality of current roles, shared growth and mutual support.

Reframing the narrative

To truly achieve equity in parenting, the conversation needs to move away from blame and frustration and toward collaboration and understanding. Instead of criticizing dads for what they aren’t doing, we should:

• Acknowledge Efforts: Recognize and celebrate the ways fathers are contributing, despite the demands of their time outside the home.
• Encourage Partnership: Approach the division of mental load as a team effort, where both parents learn to communicate, delegate, and adjust as needed.
• Challenge Gender Stereotypes: Push back against media and cultural narratives that portray dads as bumbling or incapable. Representation matters, and it influences how dads perceive their roles.

A call for understanding

Fathers like Sam are not the exception. Look around and you’ll see they’re the norm. Yet the outdated “clueless dad” stereotype persists, overshadowing their efforts and reinforcing the very inequities we’re trying to dismantle.

Together we can build a culture where the mental load is not just a burden, but an opportunity for connection, collaboration, and shared pride. It’s time to stop badmouthing dads and start working with them – for the good of families everywhere.

Because when the load is shared, everyone carries it better and with more grace.